I originally thought that my In Gratitude Of was just going to be one blog entry, and then I realized I mainly focused on the 3 instrumental key persons from Crosswinds' Venture. They were key to my spiritual life because I was so picky on selecting who where and when in regards to my baptism. It was almost a 9 year journey from when I re-committed to the Christian dogmas in 1995 to the baptism in 2004. Through those three, I was able to let go mostly of the need to be perfect. It may sound like a "duh" revelation, but on an inner emotional level, it wasn't. When The Salvation Army accused me of holding onto my need to perfect, adoption background and the need to belong as an "excuse to throw myself a pity-party," I gave up at the idea of continuing to follow any sort of Christian dogma and/or tenets. Peter was committed that I identified myself in the "sonship" of the living God, even if I were to walk away from the Christian church.
When I decided to "officially" leave The Salvation Army, that was around the year 2000. I spent five years there stumbling and picking myself back up. After turning in my official resignation, there were rumblings and innuendos thrown at me by the leadership members. 2000 and 2001 were a very challenging period of time. Add to that the need to belong to the CSU Hayward Campus Crusade for Christ chapter, and I was panic-treading on spiritual water.
Once again the silver-lining on those dark clouds were people who were committing in expressing their unconditional love and acceptance towards me.
Prior to my official resignation from The Salvation Army, I actually spent a year away from attending their services and was bouncing around to different church services. Throughout those times I received in the (snail) mail on a semi-regular basis cards from "Aunt Dolly." She was considered to be like the matriarch of the local corps. She was the mother figure for the pastor/corps officer. Her cards were like an open set of arms waiting to hug you, and not surprisingly, arrived at those most crucial times. If I were to stop by and visit a service on occasion, she personally followed-up on her messages to me in person with a hug and a, "I wanted to make sure you got my message, so good to see you." Unfortunately, a post 9-11 visit in the late fall of 2001 was the last time I saw her; I did not return to Asian American Corps until they had a memorial service in her honor in 2002.
In the summer of 2001, Crosswinds Church held an acting/improvisational workshop. It was my 2nd year of pursuing acting on a full-time basis, and an opportunity to "practice" my improv skills after graduating from Hayward back in 2000. Dan and Faith Alpher was this couple who were very seasoned in stage and film. Dan was the drama director for Crosswinds and decided to do this outreach. Turned out it wasn't really a workshop, but a way for them to "audition" new talent for the church's drama productions. I had the honor to work with them on three occasions. It wasn't funny then, its pretty funny now. My first live in front of the congregation performance (first production working w/them was an improvised film short) they handed me this single-spaced page and a half script. I looked at Dan and said, "I have to memorize THIS BY WHEN???" Long story short, at that time my specialty was short-form improvisation. Yup, butchered the script in front of everyone.
Dan encouraged me to attend a theater conference for actors with a Christian background. Coincidentally enough, CITA (Christians in Theatre Arts) was hosting their North American conference in Oakland that year. At that point I was very burnt out on the audition process. I did not have enough professional experience to get an agent, I was not landing roles, and friends/family/foes kept on pestering me that I was "not good-looking enough" to be taken seriously. After two years of going to many auditions posted on Craigslist, I was ready to just pursue work in the corporate sector. At the conference, the affiliated theaters were holding a general audition. I submitted for a slot, did my audition, and waited. After the auditions were held, we were to wait for two hours to see if we were selected for callbacks. I made a quick prayer to God for a message on whether or not to continue acting. If I received no callbacks, I were to hang it up for good and pursue something else. When the callback list were posted, I saw that I was on three callback lists.
While interacting with some of the other actors, I was asked pretty ignorant and sometimes racist questions. "Did learning theater helped you learn English better?" "What kind of acting schools were legal in China?" At that point, Vanessa chimed in on my behalf. She worked as one of the actors for the Kaiser Permanente Educational Theater program, grew up in Sacramento, and was the only other performer of color present at the conference besides myself. (In other words, there were only 2 actors present at the conference of a couple-hundred attendees who were NOT of Caucasian descent, and having to deal with the racist, ignorant artistic directors who insisted on casting myself and her as 1: the villian/villianness; and/or 2: those who the missionaries were reaching out to and were too "heathen" to accept the Gospel while 3: speak with an accent) We exchanged contact info, kept in touch with each other throughout the summer of 2001. She invited me to her church located in the Bayview/Hunter's Point district of San Francisco. It was there where I met Pastor Clarence Lewis, his wife "Sister Kelly," and his mother, "Mother Lewis." What I appreciated about Pastor Lewis was his transparency. He'd openly share tidbits about his escapades with his wife, (you could tell they were totally in love with each other; and not in graphic details) and was able to use it as reference on spiritual connections. Much more, it made sense. Whenever I came across "Mother Lewis," I was always greeted with a warm embrace followed by a "how's maahhhh BAYYYYBE doin?"
Towards the closing of summer, Vanessa was getting ready for a trip to Europe and her church was getting ready for their first anniversary as a church. Pastor Lewis makes an announcement that Sunday before Vanessa's departure about their anniversary banquet. Before he had the congregation pray for Vanessa's traveling safety, he called me out in front of the church: "Now Jarrett, I know Vanessa is not going to be here when we have the banquet, but I want YOU here, cause you's family." And in true fashion of a Black church, there were echos of affirmations from the other members, "yup, yup, you's family, Jarrett. Amen." I attended that banquet and gained at least 12 pounds that evening.
I no longer call myself a "Christian" on my Facebook profile. To me, the term "Christian" is nothing more than a label that has nothing to do with spirituality. Under the "Religious Beliefs" on my profile, I entered "Imago Dei in Everyone." "Imago Dei" is Latin for "Image of God." I'm at a point where spirituality to me is finding that God and/or Divinity in others. When Peter kept drilling me on the identity of the "Sonship of God," that's exactly what Imago Dei is about.
Whose face did I see when I read Aunt Dolly's cards? Or when Dan was directing me in a church performance? Or when arguing back and forth on theology, race relations, and theatrical theory? Or when I'm "pigging" out on soul food during a church anniversary?
It was God's, and I'm very thankful that God showed up all those times and will continue to do so whenever I look into anyone and everyone.
07 July, 2011
01 July, 2011
In Gratitude Of...
With the re-organization of my blogs, I seem to have focused on my religious journey in such a way that I was somehow or somewhat victimized by the ungodly behavior of those whom I attended church service with over the years. Yet over the years, I kept on coming back and found a way and a reason to attend (pun intended) religiously. There were reasons or little things that occurred over the years that caused me to look back and say to myself, "there IS a Loving God out there."
Enough of the focus on the bad folks. It would be totally insane for me to attend church week-in and week-out over the course of 16 consecutive years if it were all 100% negative. This may or may not be edited in the near future since I will be using real names to single out my "heroes and mentors."
I call these three the "Venture Triplets" because they were the key leadership of the Crosswinds start-up plant called Venture in 2003-2006. They consisted of the "Two Daves," (Haney and Sunde) and my friend and mentor Peter Sleeper. David Haney or "Dr Dave," was the Sr Teaching Pastor of Crosswinds Church in Dublin, CA who was passionate and able to teach Biblical applications to the younger generation. Dave Sunde was a very aware Gen-X'r who served in the college and young adults ministry, while Peter served as Executive Business Pastor.
During the inaugural Christmas Venture service Dave Sunde attempted to present a "youthful hip humorous" Christmas service by deciding to close the service with the closing scene from A Christmas Story. It was the scene in the Chinese restaurant. There were a handful of attenders being Asian descent; I was one of them. Peter, with a Hapa background, closed out the benediction with a snipe, "am I supposed to be HALF offended?" I was stunned and I initially felt displaced from the entire group. I sent Peter a voicemail explaining that I'm "100% offended," then I sent an email to the entire leadership staff expressing my sentiments.
I received a response I did not expect. Dave Sunde responded on behalf of the entire group with a very heartfelt, sincere and repentant apology. He also acknowledged that I did not attend the following service a week after, and wanted me to return to the next service. When I did returned to the following service, he went out of the way to find me and to apologize in person face-to-face.
For the 3 years that we met regularly for lunch, Peter would time and time again emphasized on my identity as God's loved and accepted child, and the concept of Grace. The unmet expectations I failed to fulfill and the corresponding judgment that I received from my prior church caused me to view myself as "less than." Those three years, I was in desperation for Grace. So when Peter and I met for our regular lunch during the week when I did not attend Venture service following Christmas, he simply said something to me:
"Jarrett, remember all you did during the past three years to prove to yourself that no matter what you did, you were still loved? That's Grace. However, in order for you to experience the fullness of Grace, you have to learn to give it in addition to receive it."
He was right.
I did and said some pretty rotten things over those three years just to test the boundaries of how I related to God. When I told Peter, he never flinched, never judged, just kept reminding me who I am and how much I'm loved. It was my turn to pass on that Grace.
When Dave Sunde approached me those two services after Christmas, I was able to look at him with no grudge at all. It was freeing. It was liberating and I felt literally and physically light. That Sunday Service happened to be the beginning of 2004, so the weekly Venture announcement included that Venture would have their first baptism service in the following two weeks. I sent an email to the entire Venture leadership group to put closure to the Christmas incident, and as a gesture of true forgiveness and connection on my part, I asked if I could be one of the first baptism member.
It was only appropriate that I had Peter perform my baptism. When I was baptized, I choose my favorite shirt that had a lot of holes as a result of wear and tear. (I had a "hole-ly" shirt on for baptism, get it?) It was my favorite shirt that I couldn't let go of. I told the church, I wore that shirt as a symbolism that like I was unable to "let go" of my shirt regardless the condition, likewise God wouldn't let go of me regardless of what I done.
In the summer of 2005 on Father's Day morning, my mother passed away. That summer of '05 were a lot of major changes including the Venture Triplet's move to Austin Texas. Yes, a part of me felt jilted by God that my church support system was uprooted at a "bad time," but I survived it after all. I've visited Austin twice since making sure that the Triplets do what they do best: teaching everyone they come across the Imago Dei that exists within them. My favorite message from Dr Dave was titled, "Shit Happens." (yes, that was the actual unedited title at church!)
Enough of the focus on the bad folks. It would be totally insane for me to attend church week-in and week-out over the course of 16 consecutive years if it were all 100% negative. This may or may not be edited in the near future since I will be using real names to single out my "heroes and mentors."
I call these three the "Venture Triplets" because they were the key leadership of the Crosswinds start-up plant called Venture in 2003-2006. They consisted of the "Two Daves," (Haney and Sunde) and my friend and mentor Peter Sleeper. David Haney or "Dr Dave," was the Sr Teaching Pastor of Crosswinds Church in Dublin, CA who was passionate and able to teach Biblical applications to the younger generation. Dave Sunde was a very aware Gen-X'r who served in the college and young adults ministry, while Peter served as Executive Business Pastor.
During the inaugural Christmas Venture service Dave Sunde attempted to present a "youthful hip humorous" Christmas service by deciding to close the service with the closing scene from A Christmas Story. It was the scene in the Chinese restaurant. There were a handful of attenders being Asian descent; I was one of them. Peter, with a Hapa background, closed out the benediction with a snipe, "am I supposed to be HALF offended?" I was stunned and I initially felt displaced from the entire group. I sent Peter a voicemail explaining that I'm "100% offended," then I sent an email to the entire leadership staff expressing my sentiments.
I received a response I did not expect. Dave Sunde responded on behalf of the entire group with a very heartfelt, sincere and repentant apology. He also acknowledged that I did not attend the following service a week after, and wanted me to return to the next service. When I did returned to the following service, he went out of the way to find me and to apologize in person face-to-face.
For the 3 years that we met regularly for lunch, Peter would time and time again emphasized on my identity as God's loved and accepted child, and the concept of Grace. The unmet expectations I failed to fulfill and the corresponding judgment that I received from my prior church caused me to view myself as "less than." Those three years, I was in desperation for Grace. So when Peter and I met for our regular lunch during the week when I did not attend Venture service following Christmas, he simply said something to me:
"Jarrett, remember all you did during the past three years to prove to yourself that no matter what you did, you were still loved? That's Grace. However, in order for you to experience the fullness of Grace, you have to learn to give it in addition to receive it."
He was right.
I did and said some pretty rotten things over those three years just to test the boundaries of how I related to God. When I told Peter, he never flinched, never judged, just kept reminding me who I am and how much I'm loved. It was my turn to pass on that Grace.
When Dave Sunde approached me those two services after Christmas, I was able to look at him with no grudge at all. It was freeing. It was liberating and I felt literally and physically light. That Sunday Service happened to be the beginning of 2004, so the weekly Venture announcement included that Venture would have their first baptism service in the following two weeks. I sent an email to the entire Venture leadership group to put closure to the Christmas incident, and as a gesture of true forgiveness and connection on my part, I asked if I could be one of the first baptism member.
It was only appropriate that I had Peter perform my baptism. When I was baptized, I choose my favorite shirt that had a lot of holes as a result of wear and tear. (I had a "hole-ly" shirt on for baptism, get it?) It was my favorite shirt that I couldn't let go of. I told the church, I wore that shirt as a symbolism that like I was unable to "let go" of my shirt regardless the condition, likewise God wouldn't let go of me regardless of what I done.
In the summer of 2005 on Father's Day morning, my mother passed away. That summer of '05 were a lot of major changes including the Venture Triplet's move to Austin Texas. Yes, a part of me felt jilted by God that my church support system was uprooted at a "bad time," but I survived it after all. I've visited Austin twice since making sure that the Triplets do what they do best: teaching everyone they come across the Imago Dei that exists within them. My favorite message from Dr Dave was titled, "Shit Happens." (yes, that was the actual unedited title at church!)
10 June, 2011
Lesson From a Miracle Taken For Granted
10-July, 1997: Gengma, Yunnan China PRC
I hardly discussed my time with The Salvation Army, specifically in regards to my experience with the China Service Corps Team in 1997. On a personal level, the assignment ended on such a devastating note, I cared not to discuss the trip in details as much as my teammates. It was a lot of "firsts" for this specific program that it received much fanfare and publicity in the aftermath. I barely kept up with the post momentum.
Photos don't lie and there are a lot of photos where I'm actually smiling and having a blast during the trip. I just chose to "throw the baby out with the bath water." Following the trip, vivid images of a newborn on life support, children begging on the streets, and cheating taxi drivers were the events I chose to recall in details if I even bothered to mention the trip at all. Yeah I did have a choice on which events to recall. I felt more "comfy" with the neggies.
All because I didn't get laid.
Yeah I know I went on behalf of a Christian organization, but so what? I'm a half a world away in a foreign country for the first time in my life, and not one booty call. I was pissed at the end.
When I grew up listening to Motley Crue during my junior high years, I recalled an interview Nikki Sixx made:
"I don't want to sit at some goddam old folks home on a fucking rocking chair, turn on Vince's (Neil) hearing aide, and say, 'I wish I fucked that chick.'"
I didn't understand what Nikki meant when I initially read it in junior high, but I sure as hell understood it after my trip to China.
So I allowed regret to shadow my first experience in Asia.
I didn't focus on the preschool age children approaching me, calling me "ShuShu" ("Uncle") or the many dances with university female students, or the laughter, or the street artist who accurately, amazingly sketched a wallet-size photo of myself. No, I chose to focus on what I hated about the trip.
I'm recalling all of this now because of a lesson I'm currently reviewing. There was a quote stating that people who are so focused on the problems tend to miss the miracles taking place directly in front of them.
*RAISES HAND* Yup, guilty.
Our team traveled from Kunming, Yunnan China to Lincang County, down to Gengma and we were returning to Lincang. One of our teammates Ken was sick and did not make our tour of Gengma, so we had to pick him back up from Lincang. At that time (1997) the roads were not fully developed yet, and one of the main road was a paved dirt trail along a rivers edge from Lincang to Gengma. Our team even nicknamed the river as the "Milktea" river because of the resemblance to milktea.
Gengma was like one of the worse of the visit during that four days because it rained 90% of the time. The accommodations were not modernized and there were regular evening blackouts. I was in a very cranky mood and I longed to return to Lincang where the hotel was more modern. I was also recovering from pneumonia.
While driving alongside the "Milktea" River (to this day I have no idea what the actual name of the river is) our bus had a flat. The driver announced that we were to empty the bus while he changes the tire. Mind you that this driver was already on my shit list as he had attempted to show us the border to Myanmar and drove so close that we ended up searched by the Myanmar border patrols with their automatic weapons pointed at us.
So we're getting soaking wet while the driver then discovers that the flat is located in the inner layer of a two layer wheel, which meant that he had to take out the outer wheel first before replacing the flat inside. At that point, I decided to occupy myself by grabbing pieces of mud, which was plentiful, and wrote "SOUR" all over the bus. If you're wondering why the word, "SOUR" it was the closest 4-letter 'S' word that I could think of off the top of my head that meant as close to the "other" 4-letter 'S' word. My teammates are annoyed at me by this point and asked me when I was going to stop my antics. I told them as soon as I'm back inside the bus I'll stop.
Finally our driver completes the tire change and we're back inside the bus. We're driving along the road when an oncoming vehicle approached us. Our driver and the other driver are conversing and it becomes gradually more escalated. I'm mumbling to myself at that point for the driver to "shut the f* up and f*king drive." Then Colonel Yee, our adviser, and our translators/escorts joins in on the conversation with the drivers and it gets more excitedly escalated. Turned out that the other vehicle was an emergency vehicle who just completed a quick makeshift preliminary cleanup/repave work on the road ahead of us. Less that 20-30 minutes prior, there was a major mudslide/avalanche on the road. Chances are, had we not had to stop and change the tire, we would've been most likely in that "Milktea" river. As we got to the cleanup slide location, we barely made it through that road as it was narrower and closer to the edge that we could see the river alongside our window. It was a literal "narrow" escape.
I didn't put much thought into that time until now. I'm going through what I thought was a "bad" situation, unaware that in the grand scheme of things, the lives of about 14 people including mine were being saved. I didn't realize how much of a close call that situation really was.
I was so focused on "SOUR," I didn't realize that a miracle was taking place for me. So as I sit here awaiting for my next miracle to happen, I take on the possibility of a miracle unfolding as I type this now. I just need to be patient, and focus on the "SWEET."
Pass the sugar please?
I hardly discussed my time with The Salvation Army, specifically in regards to my experience with the China Service Corps Team in 1997. On a personal level, the assignment ended on such a devastating note, I cared not to discuss the trip in details as much as my teammates. It was a lot of "firsts" for this specific program that it received much fanfare and publicity in the aftermath. I barely kept up with the post momentum.
Photos don't lie and there are a lot of photos where I'm actually smiling and having a blast during the trip. I just chose to "throw the baby out with the bath water." Following the trip, vivid images of a newborn on life support, children begging on the streets, and cheating taxi drivers were the events I chose to recall in details if I even bothered to mention the trip at all. Yeah I did have a choice on which events to recall. I felt more "comfy" with the neggies.
All because I didn't get laid.
Yeah I know I went on behalf of a Christian organization, but so what? I'm a half a world away in a foreign country for the first time in my life, and not one booty call. I was pissed at the end.
When I grew up listening to Motley Crue during my junior high years, I recalled an interview Nikki Sixx made:
"I don't want to sit at some goddam old folks home on a fucking rocking chair, turn on Vince's (Neil) hearing aide, and say, 'I wish I fucked that chick.'"
I didn't understand what Nikki meant when I initially read it in junior high, but I sure as hell understood it after my trip to China.
So I allowed regret to shadow my first experience in Asia.
I didn't focus on the preschool age children approaching me, calling me "ShuShu" ("Uncle") or the many dances with university female students, or the laughter, or the street artist who accurately, amazingly sketched a wallet-size photo of myself. No, I chose to focus on what I hated about the trip.
I'm recalling all of this now because of a lesson I'm currently reviewing. There was a quote stating that people who are so focused on the problems tend to miss the miracles taking place directly in front of them.
*RAISES HAND* Yup, guilty.
Our team traveled from Kunming, Yunnan China to Lincang County, down to Gengma and we were returning to Lincang. One of our teammates Ken was sick and did not make our tour of Gengma, so we had to pick him back up from Lincang. At that time (1997) the roads were not fully developed yet, and one of the main road was a paved dirt trail along a rivers edge from Lincang to Gengma. Our team even nicknamed the river as the "Milktea" river because of the resemblance to milktea.
Gengma was like one of the worse of the visit during that four days because it rained 90% of the time. The accommodations were not modernized and there were regular evening blackouts. I was in a very cranky mood and I longed to return to Lincang where the hotel was more modern. I was also recovering from pneumonia.
While driving alongside the "Milktea" River (to this day I have no idea what the actual name of the river is) our bus had a flat. The driver announced that we were to empty the bus while he changes the tire. Mind you that this driver was already on my shit list as he had attempted to show us the border to Myanmar and drove so close that we ended up searched by the Myanmar border patrols with their automatic weapons pointed at us.
So we're getting soaking wet while the driver then discovers that the flat is located in the inner layer of a two layer wheel, which meant that he had to take out the outer wheel first before replacing the flat inside. At that point, I decided to occupy myself by grabbing pieces of mud, which was plentiful, and wrote "SOUR" all over the bus. If you're wondering why the word, "SOUR" it was the closest 4-letter 'S' word that I could think of off the top of my head that meant as close to the "other" 4-letter 'S' word. My teammates are annoyed at me by this point and asked me when I was going to stop my antics. I told them as soon as I'm back inside the bus I'll stop.
Finally our driver completes the tire change and we're back inside the bus. We're driving along the road when an oncoming vehicle approached us. Our driver and the other driver are conversing and it becomes gradually more escalated. I'm mumbling to myself at that point for the driver to "shut the f* up and f*king drive." Then Colonel Yee, our adviser, and our translators/escorts joins in on the conversation with the drivers and it gets more excitedly escalated. Turned out that the other vehicle was an emergency vehicle who just completed a quick makeshift preliminary cleanup/repave work on the road ahead of us. Less that 20-30 minutes prior, there was a major mudslide/avalanche on the road. Chances are, had we not had to stop and change the tire, we would've been most likely in that "Milktea" river. As we got to the cleanup slide location, we barely made it through that road as it was narrower and closer to the edge that we could see the river alongside our window. It was a literal "narrow" escape.
I didn't put much thought into that time until now. I'm going through what I thought was a "bad" situation, unaware that in the grand scheme of things, the lives of about 14 people including mine were being saved. I didn't realize how much of a close call that situation really was.
I was so focused on "SOUR," I didn't realize that a miracle was taking place for me. So as I sit here awaiting for my next miracle to happen, I take on the possibility of a miracle unfolding as I type this now. I just need to be patient, and focus on the "SWEET."
Pass the sugar please?
30 May, 2011
Attachment/Detachment-Connect/Disconnect
In the church community called MBCC, (Mission Bay Community Church) Pastor Bruce tearfully recited his final benediction yesterday evening. Bittersweet in that he and the Reyes-Chow-Pugh family move forward to a new endeavor while MBCC does the same. Having to sever ties within a church setting for myself is nothing new. However no matter how many times, it is still a very challenging task to perform.
As mentioned on previous posts, I spiritually "grew up" within the structure called The Salvation Army. This was a denomination that was structured in a military model. Those in a pastoral position were "ranked" according to their time and contribution of service. Like a military organization, "moves" were a very common occurrence. That is the re-assignment of corps officers (pastors) to a new "post." (Corps or church location)
At one point in order to ease my commute from Oakland to San Francisco, I visited the Berkeley Corps and befriended the corps officers at that time. When I learned a few years afterwards about their "move" and their scheduled final service, I made sure to attend to say my "goodbyes" and "thanks." It was unfortunate to witness as I saw the congregational growth this couple had contributed to over the two years that they served in Berkeley. I also recalled how the officer was unable to give his final benediction.
It was that moment where I felt that I had enough of The Salvation Army ways and policies. I was baffled that the first time I attended their service in Berkeley, there were no more than 8 people in attendance. By the time I visited them for their last service, at least 20-30 people were present. I couldn't understand why a decision was made by the higher up to have this couple bond with members of that community, build up the congregation, then have them torn away.
It was nothing new when it came to life in The Salvation Army. When serving in China with Service Corps, we'd often visit the government sanctioned churches in China. I was very moved and impressed with the conviction those members expressed. In fact the visit to the Dragonhill Chapel was bittersweet. As quickly and as close as we bonded with the members there, we had to quickly detach and say our goodbyes in a tearful manner. Then again when the government sends the Bureau of Religious Affairs liaison to monitor our interactions, one must connect and disconnect quickly.
Perhaps the most challenging connection/disconnection episode within a church setting occurred back in the Summer of 2005 when my mother passed away. Key leadership and core members from the startup church I was a part of moved to their new ministry in Austin within a month of my mother's passing. What made it challenging was beginning a grieving process without the support of a church family. Couple that with a clinically diagnosed attachment disorder as a result of my adoption background and you had one potential mess. (Not to mention a lot of "near misses")
So does this common occurrence of connecting/disconnecting theme that's prevalent in my life mean anything? Within the personal development realm (and even the spiritual and Christian paradigm) it is said that even the obstacles and adversities offer an opportunity for growth and flourish.
So does detachment and disconnection offer a "gift?"
It can.
Consider the gift of attachment. Consider the gift of RE-attachment. Or the gift of NEW connections, or of RE-connection. It's possible. It's there. It's available for the taking.
I've always hated "goodbyes," in fact I believe I took them more personally than the average person. What I didn't realize was that my holding onto the "hurt" and the "trauma" of the "GOODBYES" kept me from the "HELLOS."
As mentioned on previous posts, I spiritually "grew up" within the structure called The Salvation Army. This was a denomination that was structured in a military model. Those in a pastoral position were "ranked" according to their time and contribution of service. Like a military organization, "moves" were a very common occurrence. That is the re-assignment of corps officers (pastors) to a new "post." (Corps or church location)
At one point in order to ease my commute from Oakland to San Francisco, I visited the Berkeley Corps and befriended the corps officers at that time. When I learned a few years afterwards about their "move" and their scheduled final service, I made sure to attend to say my "goodbyes" and "thanks." It was unfortunate to witness as I saw the congregational growth this couple had contributed to over the two years that they served in Berkeley. I also recalled how the officer was unable to give his final benediction.
It was that moment where I felt that I had enough of The Salvation Army ways and policies. I was baffled that the first time I attended their service in Berkeley, there were no more than 8 people in attendance. By the time I visited them for their last service, at least 20-30 people were present. I couldn't understand why a decision was made by the higher up to have this couple bond with members of that community, build up the congregation, then have them torn away.
It was nothing new when it came to life in The Salvation Army. When serving in China with Service Corps, we'd often visit the government sanctioned churches in China. I was very moved and impressed with the conviction those members expressed. In fact the visit to the Dragonhill Chapel was bittersweet. As quickly and as close as we bonded with the members there, we had to quickly detach and say our goodbyes in a tearful manner. Then again when the government sends the Bureau of Religious Affairs liaison to monitor our interactions, one must connect and disconnect quickly.
Perhaps the most challenging connection/disconnection episode within a church setting occurred back in the Summer of 2005 when my mother passed away. Key leadership and core members from the startup church I was a part of moved to their new ministry in Austin within a month of my mother's passing. What made it challenging was beginning a grieving process without the support of a church family. Couple that with a clinically diagnosed attachment disorder as a result of my adoption background and you had one potential mess. (Not to mention a lot of "near misses")
So does this common occurrence of connecting/disconnecting theme that's prevalent in my life mean anything? Within the personal development realm (and even the spiritual and Christian paradigm) it is said that even the obstacles and adversities offer an opportunity for growth and flourish.
So does detachment and disconnection offer a "gift?"
It can.
Consider the gift of attachment. Consider the gift of RE-attachment. Or the gift of NEW connections, or of RE-connection. It's possible. It's there. It's available for the taking.
I've always hated "goodbyes," in fact I believe I took them more personally than the average person. What I didn't realize was that my holding onto the "hurt" and the "trauma" of the "GOODBYES" kept me from the "HELLOS."
New Blog Format
Dear Lone Readers:
I've decided to keep my blog topics to a more organized fashion. This past couple of weeks I've been copying and pasting entries from one set of blog to the other in order to accommodate the readers to not have to switch around. For the past year, I've utilized Blogger for the reason of user-friendly. I am not able to customize as much as I have on Xanga, but as long as I am able to utilize black/grey/white/and purples, I'm a happy camper.
I attempted to re-vitalize my Xanga for the mere reason of the fact that I paid good money for their lifetime "Premium" account and I wanted to take advantage of that cost. I also have my earlier documentation of my personal development journey which started to really take off in 2008. I'm going to ween away from Xanga. I have started and organize two main blogs: The Faith Entry is about my experiences, observations, and insights on the topic of church, religion and spirituality. Jia You>>>Ga Yau! will be about discoveries, insights and observations on my personal development experiences and lessons as a public performer. I'm very well aware that the topic of spirituality and personal development overlap. My decision on which blog receives what when they do overlap will be more or less a judgement call. Sometimes I'll copy and paste on both blogs.
Feel free to read my older entries on Xanga, for they document my transition from grief of my mother's death in 2005 to my personal development in 2008.
I've decided to keep my blog topics to a more organized fashion. This past couple of weeks I've been copying and pasting entries from one set of blog to the other in order to accommodate the readers to not have to switch around. For the past year, I've utilized Blogger for the reason of user-friendly. I am not able to customize as much as I have on Xanga, but as long as I am able to utilize black/grey/white/and purples, I'm a happy camper.
I attempted to re-vitalize my Xanga for the mere reason of the fact that I paid good money for their lifetime "Premium" account and I wanted to take advantage of that cost. I also have my earlier documentation of my personal development journey which started to really take off in 2008. I'm going to ween away from Xanga. I have started and organize two main blogs: The Faith Entry is about my experiences, observations, and insights on the topic of church, religion and spirituality. Jia You>>>Ga Yau! will be about discoveries, insights and observations on my personal development experiences and lessons as a public performer. I'm very well aware that the topic of spirituality and personal development overlap. My decision on which blog receives what when they do overlap will be more or less a judgement call. Sometimes I'll copy and paste on both blogs.
Feel free to read my older entries on Xanga, for they document my transition from grief of my mother's death in 2005 to my personal development in 2008.
29 May, 2011
The Faith Entry: Random Thoughts
While looking for more information about Christian Universalism, I came across articles in regards to Rob Bell's Love Wins. Yes, the Evangelicals are out en force to discredit both Bell and his book, but at least read the goddamn book first before you do. I find it astonishing and embarrassing as a Christian at the behavior of these so-called leaders and shepherds. Actually their behavior is one of the reasons why I started exploring the ideas of Universalism and other forms of faith outside Christianity in the first place. Not only does their behavior NOT reflects Christ, but it's one of the main factors why I distance myself from Christianity altogether.
Which leads me to the next step. I've been accused of not being faithful to Christ and that I'm condemned to Hell as a result. Here's the sad situation: If my mortal self cannot stand these folks with limited finite amount of time here on earth, how the hell am I supposed to deal with them for eternity? In other words, having to choose between Hell and eternity with these folks is no different than between a rock and a hard place. The term "Gospel" is translated as "good news." If those are my two choices, what's so "good" about that???
Do you like the idea of simultaneously beginning and ending your week by being reminded of how much you're a sinner and how much you fall short, and how lost we are? If you had a choice between investing an hour or two between that or a tailgating bbq, isn't that's a no brainer? If a vegetarian and/or a vegan chooses a bbq over church, that ought to tell you something right there.
I'm sick and tired of being told what to do by other Christians. That's what everything boils down to. Everyone has an opinion, and that's all it is: an opinion. They're not prophets. My spiritual health is not predicated on what I do or what I don't do. It's about claiming and holding onto the identity of who I am: a beloved child of God. Anything I do or don't do doesn't change that status. What was needed to be done was completely done on the cross. Now that's Good News. P.S. I will not be denied by Jesus simply because I didn't change my Facebook status, so stop using that verse out of context to coerce other Christians to follow your suit. PLEASE STFU.
Having been in theater and production for over the past ten years, I'm very aware of the racist, ignorant and backward attitudes of some producers and directors in L.A. That's nothing compared to the ignorance I've dealt with by the self declared Christian producers and directors. Speaking of race, since when is marrying someone Caucasian "marrying someone more Christ-like?" Really? Now Jesus' name is being used to advocate racism and self-hatred? (The two churches I've visited in L.A. and S.F., you know who you are!)
Baptism: Honestly, I don't get it. The literal act is the public declaration of faith. Water symbolizes life, being placed under means dying to self, being brought up means emerge to new life. That, I get. What I don't understand is why someone needs to declare someone else to be "ready" for baptism before they're allowed to be baptized. Then in other denominations and churches, parents are so eager to have their infant child baptized asap, and they are. So I read in The Acts when new converts "believe" the message about Christ, then immediately find the nearest body of water for baptism. Where's the person who's supposed to declare those folks as "ready?" What I don't get is the fact that no one seems to be on the same page of standard procedures: when, where, how? Or most importantly, is there a standard procedure? OK, I'm gonna break it down to what I know:
Jesus commanded his surviving disciples to "make disciples baptizing them in the Name of Father, Son, Spirit." But
There's two elements of baptism: water or spirit.
Everyone has a different procedure on water baptism. Spirit baptism, I've seen once.
When Jesus commanded his disciples to "make disciples baptizing them..." he didn't specify water or spirit baptism.
Can anyone see why I don't fully get it? (Oh, for those of you reading this who are wondering if I was ever baptized. Yes, in a hot tub)
Gotta give props to my mentor and friend Peter who performed my baptism. Over the years no matter what I did or said in regards to how I felt and reacted to my life struggles did he ever made any judgment on me. He calmly listened to me over the years and constantly reminded me of my identity about who I am. I remembered telling him in confidence about how I wanted to just check out and indulge in all my senses. (Sex, drugs, food...didn't feel youthful enough to keep up with the rock n roll) He told me that if I decided to do that stuff for an indefinite amount of time, I'm still a child of God who's loved. (No, I didn't indulge after all)
Still in search of a Christian Universalism church in SF...
Which leads me to the next step. I've been accused of not being faithful to Christ and that I'm condemned to Hell as a result. Here's the sad situation: If my mortal self cannot stand these folks with limited finite amount of time here on earth, how the hell am I supposed to deal with them for eternity? In other words, having to choose between Hell and eternity with these folks is no different than between a rock and a hard place. The term "Gospel" is translated as "good news." If those are my two choices, what's so "good" about that???
Do you like the idea of simultaneously beginning and ending your week by being reminded of how much you're a sinner and how much you fall short, and how lost we are? If you had a choice between investing an hour or two between that or a tailgating bbq, isn't that's a no brainer? If a vegetarian and/or a vegan chooses a bbq over church, that ought to tell you something right there.
I'm sick and tired of being told what to do by other Christians. That's what everything boils down to. Everyone has an opinion, and that's all it is: an opinion. They're not prophets. My spiritual health is not predicated on what I do or what I don't do. It's about claiming and holding onto the identity of who I am: a beloved child of God. Anything I do or don't do doesn't change that status. What was needed to be done was completely done on the cross. Now that's Good News. P.S. I will not be denied by Jesus simply because I didn't change my Facebook status, so stop using that verse out of context to coerce other Christians to follow your suit. PLEASE STFU.
Having been in theater and production for over the past ten years, I'm very aware of the racist, ignorant and backward attitudes of some producers and directors in L.A. That's nothing compared to the ignorance I've dealt with by the self declared Christian producers and directors. Speaking of race, since when is marrying someone Caucasian "marrying someone more Christ-like?" Really? Now Jesus' name is being used to advocate racism and self-hatred? (The two churches I've visited in L.A. and S.F., you know who you are!)
Baptism: Honestly, I don't get it. The literal act is the public declaration of faith. Water symbolizes life, being placed under means dying to self, being brought up means emerge to new life. That, I get. What I don't understand is why someone needs to declare someone else to be "ready" for baptism before they're allowed to be baptized. Then in other denominations and churches, parents are so eager to have their infant child baptized asap, and they are. So I read in The Acts when new converts "believe" the message about Christ, then immediately find the nearest body of water for baptism. Where's the person who's supposed to declare those folks as "ready?" What I don't get is the fact that no one seems to be on the same page of standard procedures: when, where, how? Or most importantly, is there a standard procedure? OK, I'm gonna break it down to what I know:
Jesus commanded his surviving disciples to "make disciples baptizing them in the Name of Father, Son, Spirit." But
There's two elements of baptism: water or spirit.
Everyone has a different procedure on water baptism. Spirit baptism, I've seen once.
When Jesus commanded his disciples to "make disciples baptizing them..." he didn't specify water or spirit baptism.
Can anyone see why I don't fully get it? (Oh, for those of you reading this who are wondering if I was ever baptized. Yes, in a hot tub)
Gotta give props to my mentor and friend Peter who performed my baptism. Over the years no matter what I did or said in regards to how I felt and reacted to my life struggles did he ever made any judgment on me. He calmly listened to me over the years and constantly reminded me of my identity about who I am. I remembered telling him in confidence about how I wanted to just check out and indulge in all my senses. (Sex, drugs, food...didn't feel youthful enough to keep up with the rock n roll) He told me that if I decided to do that stuff for an indefinite amount of time, I'm still a child of God who's loved. (No, I didn't indulge after all)
Still in search of a Christian Universalism church in SF...
Critics in the Age of Consumerism
Published May 27, 2011 on Freezetag1688
Since the internet became one of the main mediums, our generation has embraced consumerism as never before. In the last ten or so years, we have been able to purchase items from anywhere in the world with a simple click. Likewise in other parts of the world, they too have been able to purchase items they had never been able to purchase in years past. It's gotten to the point that even the knockoffs have matched quality and aesthetics to the originals. With this new found power on hand, (purchasing power) there seems to be an overall increasing sense of entitlement among the masses. We're not just referring to "shopping power," it's also permeated all aspects around us.
It seems that with the rise of "reality television," we created an entire mass of "armchair critics." We're quick to pass on our opinion about other people's performance "they suck, they rock" with just a simple text message from our handheld communication devices. We're able to become "armchair NFL GM's" during football season as we create our Fantasy Football teams. We can throw our clout around in local business we frequent if we obtained a level of status on review websites such as Yelp. Yes, we're quick to criticize but slow to actually participate. At one of my former church, my pastor joked with me during the football season:
Pastor: Jarrett, I know you're a diehard Raiders fan, I'm wondering how hardcore of a fan you really are. Do you know the definition of a football game?
Me: I didn't know there was an actual formal definition of a football game. I guess I'm not that hardcore of a fan after all. What is it?
Pastor: A football game is an event such that there's over fifty people on the field in desperate need of rest, while there's over fifty-thousand people watching on in desperate need of exercise.
His point, without actually participating, we've become entitled critics.
When I review most restaurants on Yelp, I critiqued the different locations as someone growing up in a family of three generations who worked in the food and beverage industry. I myself worked my first job for five years in a snack bar, and eventually learned to make espressos, lattes, and mochas at my sister's cafe and grill. I remembered my training on my first job with the emphasis on customer service and customer satisfaction. If they were unhappy with the food item or drink, replace it asap. When I was three, I'd often sit in the front counter of my grandmother's takeout. Not only was she conversing with her customers, she also cooked and prepared the food in the kitchen. It's not that I critique businesses on Yelp with a sense of entitlement, I critique them knowing what it takes to provide quality goods and service.
Recently there's been a public backlash against former NBA Scottie Pippen because of a comment he made about the possibility of LeBron James surpassing Michael Jordan as the NBA all-time great. I don't follow professional basketball enough to know what it would actually take to be considered as the "all-time greatest NBA player." What I do know is that a lot of folks who's never played in the NBA were quick to slam Pippen for his comment. Funny part about all of this is that there's little comments in the media made by NBA past and present players, but sportswriters and fans have been more critical and vocal. Now in all honesty, I've never observed LeBron playing ball so I have no idea and no reference to what he can do compared to Jordan. The real issue here is that why are folks who's never played on that level are quick to criticize someone who has actually played on that level making such a statement. As I said earlier, I don't follow basketball, but I'd be more open and curious to why a former teammate would make a statement before reacting about what he doesn't know. Then again, viral attention is a result of the consumeristic, entitled, armchair critic of the public, isn't it? It jams the phone lines on every sports call-in show. Jammed phone lines on the radio means more advertising dollars, right? More advertising dollars, more time for the critic to spew their venom. More rewards for the public critic, more entitlement here.
Unfortunately it doesn't just stop with the restaurants, stores, and media.
Our spiritual centers has been hijacked by the consumer-minded, entitled critic.
Worship centers nationwide of all different religious background face the weekly dilemma of figuring out how to deal with the critic who visits their spiritual sanctuary, bringing along with them the mentality of "what's in it for me in exchange for the one-two hours of MY time?" In the different places of worship that I've visited over the years, I've been treated to gourmet coffee, buffet spreads, dim sum, a "give some-take some" offering place where the visitor has the option to take the cash on the plate, performances by visiting professional musicians and other performing artists, and performances by theatrically trained pastors and/or guest speakers. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with offering such options. However when the emphasis in offering those options has the critic in mind rather than the spirit, then it becomes a problem. I often found myself leaving a place of worship wondering why I was there in the first place. I attend with the expectation and the anticipation of connecting: with other folks, with God, and I leave feeling as if I just left a shopping mall. But hey, at least I left with a full stomach!
When did we become less of a doer and more of a critic? I think this connects to my path of personal development because of the emphasis to re-pursue lost dreams, lost visions. We become cynical towards others once we drop pursuit of our own dreams. In fact there's a distinctive difference between feedback from the entitled critic and feedback from a dream pursuer: specificity and technique based type of feedback from the doer, while the feedback if you want to call it that from the entitled critic is worded in a way to tear down. A singer who's actively pursuing their dream as a singer doesn't critique other singers in the same manner as an armchair critic. An athlete in training doesn't critique other athletes like the armchair quarterback. It's just that the mass critics far outnumber the dream pursuers and active doers.
So what's the solution?
You bring the dreams the hope and the possibilities back to the masses. It's simple.
Not necessarily easy.
But the more we commit to doing so, the easier it'll get.
Since the internet became one of the main mediums, our generation has embraced consumerism as never before. In the last ten or so years, we have been able to purchase items from anywhere in the world with a simple click. Likewise in other parts of the world, they too have been able to purchase items they had never been able to purchase in years past. It's gotten to the point that even the knockoffs have matched quality and aesthetics to the originals. With this new found power on hand, (purchasing power) there seems to be an overall increasing sense of entitlement among the masses. We're not just referring to "shopping power," it's also permeated all aspects around us.
It seems that with the rise of "reality television," we created an entire mass of "armchair critics." We're quick to pass on our opinion about other people's performance "they suck, they rock" with just a simple text message from our handheld communication devices. We're able to become "armchair NFL GM's" during football season as we create our Fantasy Football teams. We can throw our clout around in local business we frequent if we obtained a level of status on review websites such as Yelp. Yes, we're quick to criticize but slow to actually participate. At one of my former church, my pastor joked with me during the football season:
Pastor: Jarrett, I know you're a diehard Raiders fan, I'm wondering how hardcore of a fan you really are. Do you know the definition of a football game?
Me: I didn't know there was an actual formal definition of a football game. I guess I'm not that hardcore of a fan after all. What is it?
Pastor: A football game is an event such that there's over fifty people on the field in desperate need of rest, while there's over fifty-thousand people watching on in desperate need of exercise.
His point, without actually participating, we've become entitled critics.
When I review most restaurants on Yelp, I critiqued the different locations as someone growing up in a family of three generations who worked in the food and beverage industry. I myself worked my first job for five years in a snack bar, and eventually learned to make espressos, lattes, and mochas at my sister's cafe and grill. I remembered my training on my first job with the emphasis on customer service and customer satisfaction. If they were unhappy with the food item or drink, replace it asap. When I was three, I'd often sit in the front counter of my grandmother's takeout. Not only was she conversing with her customers, she also cooked and prepared the food in the kitchen. It's not that I critique businesses on Yelp with a sense of entitlement, I critique them knowing what it takes to provide quality goods and service.
Recently there's been a public backlash against former NBA Scottie Pippen because of a comment he made about the possibility of LeBron James surpassing Michael Jordan as the NBA all-time great. I don't follow professional basketball enough to know what it would actually take to be considered as the "all-time greatest NBA player." What I do know is that a lot of folks who's never played in the NBA were quick to slam Pippen for his comment. Funny part about all of this is that there's little comments in the media made by NBA past and present players, but sportswriters and fans have been more critical and vocal. Now in all honesty, I've never observed LeBron playing ball so I have no idea and no reference to what he can do compared to Jordan. The real issue here is that why are folks who's never played on that level are quick to criticize someone who has actually played on that level making such a statement. As I said earlier, I don't follow basketball, but I'd be more open and curious to why a former teammate would make a statement before reacting about what he doesn't know. Then again, viral attention is a result of the consumeristic, entitled, armchair critic of the public, isn't it? It jams the phone lines on every sports call-in show. Jammed phone lines on the radio means more advertising dollars, right? More advertising dollars, more time for the critic to spew their venom. More rewards for the public critic, more entitlement here.
Unfortunately it doesn't just stop with the restaurants, stores, and media.
Our spiritual centers has been hijacked by the consumer-minded, entitled critic.
Worship centers nationwide of all different religious background face the weekly dilemma of figuring out how to deal with the critic who visits their spiritual sanctuary, bringing along with them the mentality of "what's in it for me in exchange for the one-two hours of MY time?" In the different places of worship that I've visited over the years, I've been treated to gourmet coffee, buffet spreads, dim sum, a "give some-take some" offering place where the visitor has the option to take the cash on the plate, performances by visiting professional musicians and other performing artists, and performances by theatrically trained pastors and/or guest speakers. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with offering such options. However when the emphasis in offering those options has the critic in mind rather than the spirit, then it becomes a problem. I often found myself leaving a place of worship wondering why I was there in the first place. I attend with the expectation and the anticipation of connecting: with other folks, with God, and I leave feeling as if I just left a shopping mall. But hey, at least I left with a full stomach!
When did we become less of a doer and more of a critic? I think this connects to my path of personal development because of the emphasis to re-pursue lost dreams, lost visions. We become cynical towards others once we drop pursuit of our own dreams. In fact there's a distinctive difference between feedback from the entitled critic and feedback from a dream pursuer: specificity and technique based type of feedback from the doer, while the feedback if you want to call it that from the entitled critic is worded in a way to tear down. A singer who's actively pursuing their dream as a singer doesn't critique other singers in the same manner as an armchair critic. An athlete in training doesn't critique other athletes like the armchair quarterback. It's just that the mass critics far outnumber the dream pursuers and active doers.
So what's the solution?
You bring the dreams the hope and the possibilities back to the masses. It's simple.
Not necessarily easy.
But the more we commit to doing so, the easier it'll get.
16 May, 2011
The Faith Entry: Character Study on Malchus
Who?
Yup in the Bible, there's four Gospels which is basically four biographies on the life of Jesus. The Gospels were named according to their respected authors: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Malchus was in all four Gospels, however his name is only mentioned in John. Even an avid Bible reader would have to look up the name of Malchus. So who is he? He was one of the servant of the high priest responsible for the arrest of Jesus. Jesus was arrested on grounds of breaking the traditional religious law which was taken serious by the Jews, not so by the Romans who were actually in power. Hence why the members of the priestly order made the arrest and not the Roman soldiers.
So what's so significant about Malchus who was only mentioned by name in one of the four Gospels?
He got his ear chopped off during the arrest. But immediately after it was chopped off, Jesus healed him.
Sunday service last evening at Mission Bay Community Church discussed Peter's role in starting the church. Why the topic of Malchus crossed my mind was due to the fact that Peter was the guy who chopped his ear off. Like Malchus' name, Peter was specifically mentioned only once out of the four accounts. Coincidentally or maybe not coincidentally they were both specifically mentioned by the same author: John. (They were not mentioned by name in the other three accounts)
Now say what you want about whether or not you believe in the Bible or whether nor not this incident actually happened as it was described. The reason why this story crossed my mind during the discussion last Sunday was because as an actor, Malchus would make an interesting character study.
In all four accounts there were probably four lines max describing the specific incident. A group of religious vigilantes came to arrest Jesus (Malchus being one of them) One of Jesus disciple (Peter) attacked one of the members of the arresting mob with a sword by chopping the right ear off, (Malchus) Jesus rebuked both the arresting crowd AND Peter for his impulsive action, then in only ONE Gospel with less than a line describing it, Jesus heals him. End of story.
So how would that make Malchus such an intriguing and interesting character study with so little that was said?
An actor who's trained learns about concepts such a "character memory, backstory, motives, objectives." As actors, we speculate and interpret what those backstory, objective, and motives are, then combine them with our own inner core being and experience and intertwine it all together.
So this is what we do know about who Malchus is:
1) Was the servant of the high priest
2) Was there as part of the crowd to arrest Jesus
3) Was attacked and injured
4) Had his injury healed immediately by Jesus
5) Arrested Jesus anyways afterwards
In putting backstory together, one could study Jewish customs and religious beliefs along with Roman history. They could study what exactly the duties a servant to the high priest were. Was a servant allowed to marry or not marry and if so, what was his relationship to his wife and family. This is all interpretive because with less than a four line description, no one really knows. The actor makes choices and brings that to the table. (Hence the artistic side of acting)
With motive and objective, one could tie backstory along with the kind of relationship he has with the high priest, with Jesus, with other members of the temple. What motivated him to be a part of the arresting crowd? Was he convicted that Jesus deserved to be arrested, or was he merely following orders from the high priest? Was he in line for another position in the temple, and his participation in arresting Jesus would earn him "brownie points?"
What was his reaction when his ear was chopped off? What was his reaction when he was recovered? What was his reaction as he arrested Jesus? Was he present through the entire process of the arrest and trail, and if so, what was he feeling knowing he was healed by the man he arrested?
As you could see, there are just endless choices after choices to pick and choose from in portraying this guy. And it's fun. What's there to present is this fleshed out human being with all the contradictions and complexities to him all from just four little lines from four different accounts of a biography.
What's this to do with faith? Lots. Let's say I'm an atheist, and out of desperation I pray for some kind of out of this world, highly unlikely million to one long shot miracle and it happened. Then afterwards I continue to state my case as an atheist while chalking up the miraculous incident as merely a "coincidence." Was that similar to Malchus? Maybe, maybe not.
In December of 2006, I was VERY CLOSE to losing my left hand to a scheduled amputation. Surgery and antibiotics were not affective in treating this mysterious hand infection and I was facing the very high possibility of "celebrating" Christmas of 2006 without my left hand. (Surgery was scheduled on Dec 23) I contacted every friend I knew who had a strong belief in the power of their prayers. Two of them actually showed up to the hospital with oil that was consecrated by their elders to pour into the cast of my left hand. (I had one surgery done already) My sifu who was a regular practitioner of hay gung (ch'i kung) came that same day and performed some energetic passing over the cast. My friend upon hearing about my hospital stay met her "group reiki circle" with a photo of me and my left hand circled. This all occurred on a Sunday. The next Monday morning, the examining doctor did his morning checkup on my hand and rushed out to get the supervising physician. The supervising physician commented, "finally your system accepted the antibiotic treatment, you can go home today." Now a lot of factors came into play and anybody could choose any factor. 1) It could've been the prayer and the oil 2) Could've been the reiki and/or ch'i kung 3) my body did finally accept the antibiotics after 11 straight days of taking them intravenously, and because I did not have health insurance the doctors were willing to release me to avoid any unnecessary medical procedure. I've not doubt in my mind it was a miracle.
It wasn't even more than 5 days after I was released from the hospital that I was sulking about having to spend Christmas in the cold Bay Area and not in warm Southeast Asia.
The point is our "inner Malchus." We may attack our respected spiritual dogmas for one reason or the other, and if we received some miraculous benefit, we quickly forget and return to attacking our dogma.
Oh humanity. How complex and funny we are.
Yup in the Bible, there's four Gospels which is basically four biographies on the life of Jesus. The Gospels were named according to their respected authors: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Malchus was in all four Gospels, however his name is only mentioned in John. Even an avid Bible reader would have to look up the name of Malchus. So who is he? He was one of the servant of the high priest responsible for the arrest of Jesus. Jesus was arrested on grounds of breaking the traditional religious law which was taken serious by the Jews, not so by the Romans who were actually in power. Hence why the members of the priestly order made the arrest and not the Roman soldiers.
So what's so significant about Malchus who was only mentioned by name in one of the four Gospels?
He got his ear chopped off during the arrest. But immediately after it was chopped off, Jesus healed him.
Sunday service last evening at Mission Bay Community Church discussed Peter's role in starting the church. Why the topic of Malchus crossed my mind was due to the fact that Peter was the guy who chopped his ear off. Like Malchus' name, Peter was specifically mentioned only once out of the four accounts. Coincidentally or maybe not coincidentally they were both specifically mentioned by the same author: John. (They were not mentioned by name in the other three accounts)
Now say what you want about whether or not you believe in the Bible or whether nor not this incident actually happened as it was described. The reason why this story crossed my mind during the discussion last Sunday was because as an actor, Malchus would make an interesting character study.
In all four accounts there were probably four lines max describing the specific incident. A group of religious vigilantes came to arrest Jesus (Malchus being one of them) One of Jesus disciple (Peter) attacked one of the members of the arresting mob with a sword by chopping the right ear off, (Malchus) Jesus rebuked both the arresting crowd AND Peter for his impulsive action, then in only ONE Gospel with less than a line describing it, Jesus heals him. End of story.
So how would that make Malchus such an intriguing and interesting character study with so little that was said?
An actor who's trained learns about concepts such a "character memory, backstory, motives, objectives." As actors, we speculate and interpret what those backstory, objective, and motives are, then combine them with our own inner core being and experience and intertwine it all together.
So this is what we do know about who Malchus is:
1) Was the servant of the high priest
2) Was there as part of the crowd to arrest Jesus
3) Was attacked and injured
4) Had his injury healed immediately by Jesus
5) Arrested Jesus anyways afterwards
In putting backstory together, one could study Jewish customs and religious beliefs along with Roman history. They could study what exactly the duties a servant to the high priest were. Was a servant allowed to marry or not marry and if so, what was his relationship to his wife and family. This is all interpretive because with less than a four line description, no one really knows. The actor makes choices and brings that to the table. (Hence the artistic side of acting)
With motive and objective, one could tie backstory along with the kind of relationship he has with the high priest, with Jesus, with other members of the temple. What motivated him to be a part of the arresting crowd? Was he convicted that Jesus deserved to be arrested, or was he merely following orders from the high priest? Was he in line for another position in the temple, and his participation in arresting Jesus would earn him "brownie points?"
What was his reaction when his ear was chopped off? What was his reaction when he was recovered? What was his reaction as he arrested Jesus? Was he present through the entire process of the arrest and trail, and if so, what was he feeling knowing he was healed by the man he arrested?
As you could see, there are just endless choices after choices to pick and choose from in portraying this guy. And it's fun. What's there to present is this fleshed out human being with all the contradictions and complexities to him all from just four little lines from four different accounts of a biography.
What's this to do with faith? Lots. Let's say I'm an atheist, and out of desperation I pray for some kind of out of this world, highly unlikely million to one long shot miracle and it happened. Then afterwards I continue to state my case as an atheist while chalking up the miraculous incident as merely a "coincidence." Was that similar to Malchus? Maybe, maybe not.
In December of 2006, I was VERY CLOSE to losing my left hand to a scheduled amputation. Surgery and antibiotics were not affective in treating this mysterious hand infection and I was facing the very high possibility of "celebrating" Christmas of 2006 without my left hand. (Surgery was scheduled on Dec 23) I contacted every friend I knew who had a strong belief in the power of their prayers. Two of them actually showed up to the hospital with oil that was consecrated by their elders to pour into the cast of my left hand. (I had one surgery done already) My sifu who was a regular practitioner of hay gung (ch'i kung) came that same day and performed some energetic passing over the cast. My friend upon hearing about my hospital stay met her "group reiki circle" with a photo of me and my left hand circled. This all occurred on a Sunday. The next Monday morning, the examining doctor did his morning checkup on my hand and rushed out to get the supervising physician. The supervising physician commented, "finally your system accepted the antibiotic treatment, you can go home today." Now a lot of factors came into play and anybody could choose any factor. 1) It could've been the prayer and the oil 2) Could've been the reiki and/or ch'i kung 3) my body did finally accept the antibiotics after 11 straight days of taking them intravenously, and because I did not have health insurance the doctors were willing to release me to avoid any unnecessary medical procedure. I've not doubt in my mind it was a miracle.
It wasn't even more than 5 days after I was released from the hospital that I was sulking about having to spend Christmas in the cold Bay Area and not in warm Southeast Asia.
The point is our "inner Malchus." We may attack our respected spiritual dogmas for one reason or the other, and if we received some miraculous benefit, we quickly forget and return to attacking our dogma.
Oh humanity. How complex and funny we are.
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