10 July, 2012

My Confession

Today is July 10, 2012 at 6am PST.  Normally I'm asleep until 9am after going to bed around 2 or 3am.  I awoke at 4:48am this morning after going to bed around 2:30am.  In other words, I barely had about 2 hours of sleep. 

Since 1999, I pursued acting on every possible level: from audition notices on Backstage West, to Craigslist, to CSU Hayward Theater department and everything in-between.  I did not call myself as a "professional actor" until I was actually paid for my performance on some commercial karaoke videos in 2001.  I was cast in my 1st local commercial at the end of 2003, and my first lead role on a stage production in 2004.  I "peaked" when I was cast as one of the leads on the independent film So Beauty.  That was in 2005.  During the filming, my mom passed away literally 20 minutes before call time.  Since that point, I've struggled with ease and confidence on productions, auditions, even promotional events.  Though I landed an agent based out of the San Francisco Bay Area in 2010, nothing had been handed to me easily. 

On a personal level, my last relationship ended in the summer of 2004, and I went on my first date since that summer in July 2006.  It didn't go too well.  I dated again in the spring of 2007, and once again, it didn't go too well.  It was disastrous enough that I sought out a personal development coach.  I attended one of his retreats during my birthday week in the end of August.  That was the start of my personal development journey. 

In March 2008, I took The Basic Seminar, offered from PSI Seminars.  That course enabled me to piece together my acting training, the personal development course I took in 2007, the sales and personal development courses I took during my 1st stint as a college student during the 1990s, and my church experience.  I took all the following advanced courses offered by them.  One of the unique benefits as a graduate is the opportunity to re-attend the Basic course at no charge, so I was able to review the elements of the class up to the present day.  In the fall, PSI offers an advance course/convention called Principia where guest speakers are invited to teach.  I attended the event in 2008, 09, 10, and 2011.

More recently in 2011, I made a spiritual transition of leaving the more mainstream evangelical form of Christianity and embraced what is considered "New Thought," which has been labeled as "Practical Christianity," "Spiritual," "Science of Mind," "Metaphysics Christianity," "Religious Science," "Unity" "Truth." 

Yet, I have a confession to make. 

With all that experience and new insights and achievements over the past 5 years, there is still an inner struggle I deal with day in and day out. 

My "I AM" statement.

Personal development and New Thought really has an overlapping concept of the "I AM" theory.  Not only is it a foundational spiritual statement.  (In the Bible, God's "name" is Hebrew form of "I AM")  In other words, an "I AM" statement is basically a self declaration belief about ourselves, and our concept of God simultaneously.  So when I say, "I AM _____," I'm saying that I am this, AND my concept/belief about God (Divine, Universe, Infinite Intelligence, Allah, ect) is this. 

An "I AM" statement can be empowering or it can be limiting. 

My "I AM" statement(s) falls in the "latter" category. 

In 1999, Crosswinds Church began a "post-modern, college, young career/family" ministry called "The Sanctuary."  It was an evening service aimed for young adults and "the young at heart."  That's when I befriended Peter Sleeper, who was the newly hired Executive Pastor of Crosswinds.  He and I met on a regular basis, and he recommended a home study course by a Dr Eckman about identifying the "Sonship of God," and claiming yourself as the rightful Child of God.  It was during that study when I came to the conclusion that I could never be a Child of God.  I'm not, wasn't, and would never be. 

"I AM God's mistake." 

You see, I was placed for adoption even before I was born.  Not only did I have the legal documentation to confirm that, I met my biological mother face-to-face who told me herself.  I spent my childhood growing up with four main messages:

1) I was a mistake by my "real" parents.

2) I can or will be returned to the adoption agency if I didn't live up to standards.

3) Every family negative situation was MY fault. (I was often blamed for my parents health issues, my father's alcoholism, and for my younger cousin's misbehavior) 

4) I was lovingly "chosen." 

Yes, that 4th message did contradict the other three messages.  It's funny about the "chosen" message and the fact that I "chose" a profession where I present myself to be "chosen" by casting directors, producers, ect.  Bear in mind, the "lovingly chosen" was a mild form of manipulation of the expectation of gratitude I needed to openly express to the family who poured their heart and soul into raising me. 

So this journey of the last 4-5 years was about letting go of a false "I AM" statement about myself as a "mistake," but I recently discovered a corollary "I AM" statement that was just as strong as the one I was dealing with.

"I AM worthless." 

That tends to sabotage and cancels out a lot of intentions I've set and developed over the last few years.  It not only undermines my financial and career goals, it also sabotages any sort of relationship goals. 

Don't ask me what I am going to do about those beliefs, for I have just come to the realization of the 2nd one and it has surfaced very recently.  I need to process what has been brought to my attention.  I have a list of request to ask in support of the recent discovery:

1) Please don't demand that I "get over it."  That only places additional pressure.

2) Please don't tell me to "not feel that way."  How about if I tell you to NOT think about the pink elephant. 

3) Sometimes your presence is worth more than the words you attempt to say.  If I'm at a state of feeling and am not saying much, you need to say even less. 

4) Don't let my smile fool you.  I am an actor after all. 

5) I acknowledge your Divinity, please acknowledge mine.  In other words, let God reveal to me that those two "I AM" statements are not true.  I know that already on an intellectual level.  It needs to sink, root, and plant in the depth of my heart. 

I am thankful for the support I've received over the years, the miracles that showed me differently, and tools I've learned to overcome such beliefs. 

But I just need time.  Time to process.  Time to reflect.  Time to let God show me the errors of my way. 

Thank you in advance. 

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